Why I Sit To Piss
(And Encourage All You Fecking Peckers To Do The Same)
Men are disgusting creatures.
I’ll admit that through the years I’ve become thoroughly disgusted with mankind in general, but for the purposes of this excercise I refer specifically to the male of the species.
And I say this specifically after having lived a lifetime of visiting facilities specifically designed for the male of the species to relieve himself of his naturally-occurring human waste. That is, the fecking men’s room, the most disgusting location on this godforsaken planet.
As I’ve gotten older and having lived through a world-wide fecking pandemic for christ sake, I’ve become all too aware of the prevalence of germs in this nasty world, and there are two things that disgust me about the modern men’s room: Urinals and air-blowing hand dryers.
The latter has become almost ubiquitous, and I suppose there are good reasons for it, saving the fecking trees and all that. For the sake of good sanitation, I prefer a disposable paper towel to dry myself after I’ve washed my hands. Also, I know that you fecking peckers being the disgusting creatures you are are often careless about properly disposing of them, thus leaving the men’s room an untidy as well as germ-permeated mess.
That is, if you bother to wash their hands at all. Too many times I’ve seen you fecking peckers come out of a shitter and just walk straight to the exit without washing your hands. Sometimes you might bother to run a little cold water on your hands and wipe them on your jeans, but goddam it wash your fecking hands you fecking pecker.
Yeah, I know the old joke where Bones says to Jones, “Didn’t your mother teach you to wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?” and Jones says to Bones, “Yeah, but my dad taught me not to piss on my fingers.” Ha ha ha, that’s a good one mate, but I still say to you: Wash your fecking hands you fecking pecker because it’s not just about getting piss and/or shit on your fingers. If we are in the vicinity of humanity are in the vicinity of piss and shit and associated germs, anywhere we go in this whole wide fecking world but especially in the godforsaken men’s room.
Didn’t you touch the door handle on your way in? There’s piss and shit all over every goddamn door knob in existence, mostly because too many of you feckers don’t bother to wash your hands at all or you’ll just run a little water over your fingers where you touched your willie while you pissed thinking that’ll do the job and then splatter the pissy germy water all over the men’s room when you use the fecking blow dryer and then rub some of the remaining germs on the doorknob or handle when you go out.
Didn’t you touch a handrail going down the stairs? There’s piss and shit all over those, too, and snot as well because I know that if you’re not smart enough to wash your fecking hands after you’ve shat that you didn’t cover your nose and mouth when you sneezed. Plus, kids have touched that handrail too and the only thing more disgusting than you fecking peckers is a fecking runny-nosed child. And didn’t you just pay for something with money? Do you know how disgustingly filthy currency is after being handled by all you fecking peckers who don’t properly wash your hands.
We are literally distributing shit and piss everywhere we go in this world. Quit arguing. If you don’t believe me get out your fecking google and look this shit up. The information is readily available: If we are in the vicinity of humanity we are in the vicinity of piss and shit. And farts, which are really just shit particles suspended in gas.
It only makes sense then, while you’re in the vicinity of a sink and some soap like in a men’s room, to wash your fecking hands to get rid of the associated germs and use a paper towel if there’s one in the vicinity because the other advantage a paper towel has over the blow dryer is that you can use it to open the door so you don’t get piss and shit all over your hands again from the disgusting door handle.
So what do you do with the paper towel, then? You stick it in your fecking pocket until you come across a rubbish bin, you fecking moron. Do I have to tell you everything?
Urinals are disgusting because they give men tacit permission to fling their piss all over the goddamn place. You ever go into a men’s room in a bar after a long night of drinking? You see that water all over the floor? That’s not water, you fecking moron, that’s piss. You’re walking in it and if you don’t have sense enough to wash your fecking hands every chance you get, you probably don’t have the common sense to take your shoes off when you come in the door so you’re spreading the piss of humanity all over your own home.
I’ve cleaned the bathroom in my own home enough to know that no matter how hard you try, even when you stand up and piss in a toilet you’re splashing pissy water and associated germs all over the place and when you give your willie a little shake at the end so you don’t get piss all over your pants, you’re shaking droplets of piss all over the bathroom.
That’s the number one reason why I sit down when I piss. Not only does it cut down on the amount of piss I’m spreading around, but it also reduces the chance of trouser tracks.
But that’s not the only reason I sit to piss. I also like to have a good fart when I’m in a position to relieve myself because if I’m in the presence of humanity I try to be respectful enough hold my farts until I’m in a position to respectfully relieve myself, and I’ve reached the certain age where you can’t always trust a fart to not have a little surprise package at the end of it.
So if I’m sitting down when I piss, not only do I reduce the chance of trouser tracks, but I also reduce the chance of shitting myself.
Even if the fart doesn’t have a solid ending, chances are I’ve been respectfully sneaking in a fart or two all day long when I’ve found myself out of anyone’s earshot or smelling range, so when I sit down to piss I have the opportunity to give myself a good wipe to get rid of any fart residue I may have accumulated.
So I always avoid the urinals unless the stalls are so disgusting that I can’t even pull my trousers down (or my kilt up when I’m wearing one). Even so, I see how disgusting all you fecking peckers can be as I always have to wipe the toilet seat off from all the drops you standing pissers leave on the ring (and I’m not even going to get into all the time’s I’ve seen shit splattered in inappropriate places or how many times you fecking peckers don’t flush after you dump).
Also, as a fecking pecker of a certain age, sometimes the urine is slow to start and slow to finish, so I’ve I’m sitting in a stall I can take the time to relieve myself in a comfortable position without standing in front of a urnial with an uncertain willie in my hands.
So not only do I have the opporunity to give myself a safety wipe and avoid skid marks in my drawers, but I can take a moment make sure that I’m finished so that I don’t trickle when I pull up my drawers.
If you’re still thinking that it’s girly or unmanly to sit when you piss, I can only think to paraphrase the Bard and suggest that you doth protest too much. Are you that uncertain of your own masculinity to take a reasonable position to eliminate your naturally-occurring human waste?
Any fecking pecker with a head on his shoulders should be able to see there are plenty of reasons to sit when you piss, so unless you are outside in the woods, I encourage all you fecking peckers to avoid the urinals, strip yourself of your macho pride, and have a seat to go.
And thoroughly wash your fecking hands with soap when you’re done, you filthy disgusting animal.